Momaste. 'The mom in me honors the mom in you.'
* The “I see you, I get you, I’m with you” look. You know it. I know it. It’s a day-changer. It lowers the shoulders and the blood pressure and might even bring a smile.
It can be as little as a look in the grocery store when you’re about to lose it.
Give that. Be that. Spread that.
* The mess in me honors the mess in you.
* The dirty clothes on my floor honor the dirty clothes on your floor.
* The yell hiding in me honors the yell hiding in you.
* The nap I won’t be taking honors the nap you won’t be taking.
* The wine in me honors the wine in you
~ Julie Ford

 By Jocelyn Wells  - Postpartum Doula     

A few weeks ago I came across this amazing    TED Talk    by Dr. Alexandra Sacks on a new way of thinking about the transition to motherhood. She calls it Matrescence. 

This six minute talk put words to something I (and likely millions of other women) have been thinking and feeling for years!

Dr. Sacks explains that as a society we understand and allow for the awkwardness and developmental arc of adolescence. We recognize that it is a period fraught with transition and growth. We understand that it makes you think and do and feel weird things. Adolescence is a time where changing bodies and changing hormones change the way we fit into the world. Hello – does this not also sound like the experience of becoming mothers?

Dr. Sacks agrees. But, she says, we do not allow for that same transition time for pregnant and postpartum women. We’re expected to know it all (and love it all) right out of the gate.

I remember so intimately that feeling of going from an independent and autonomous person to an exhausted, aching, and frustrated thing called ‘mom’.

Overnight.

All of a sudden I had this tiny human who’s life was literally in my hands. They were 100% reliant on me. That was daunting to me.

But don’t you love it? They would say.

Yes, of course! I would say out loud. But not all the time. I would say in my head. I didn’t think I was allowed to not love it all the time – I had tons of friends with babies and no one else seemed to ‘not love it all the time’.

Motherhood changed the way I relate to people and it also changed the way people relate to me – during maternity leave when I wasn’t working outside my home I often had this worry that I had nothing to contribute to conversations. I didn’t have the typical work gripes that you share with your friends and people looked at me strangely when I complained about my baby the way you would complain about your boss. But hey, sometimes my baby was overworking and over stressing me!

It’s the push and the pull of motherhood, as Sacks describes. The pull is that oxytocin induced feeling that the baby and their needs is the center of your universe. The push is your brain reminding you of all the other things in your life and the other needs that   you  have.

I remember distinctly grieving the parts of myself I thought I had lost. Oh how I miss a lazy long mimosa filled brunch (for the record I still miss this). Remember when I used my brain for solving complex workplace issues, instead of just for figuring out how many sleepers I need to buy?

I also remember thinking that I must the only one who felt this way and I’m probably a bad mother for even thinking this way.

**Newsflash**

I wasn’t. And I’m not.

This is common. It’s normal. Most parents struggle with the push and pull of parenthood.

So why aren’t we talking about it?

Sacks argues we need to normalize these experiences of motherhood – negotiating different identities of who we were vs. who we are becoming. We need to talk about this with other moms. I want to hear about the days when you don’t love it. I want to hear about your ambivalence to this motherhood identity.

Tell me about your matrescence.

Author: Brielle  Ross ~  Postpartum Doula

You did it! You grew a human (or two) in your body for 9 months. You adjusted and readjusted on the couch to find a comfortable position. You ate right and indulged in cravings within moderation. You bounced and swivelled on your yoga ball. You counted kicks and contractions. You were a warrior and brought your baby into the world with love and power and maternal instinct. YOU DID IT!

You fumbled and tried and retried breastfeeding; and you were able to feed your baby (breast or bottle, you made the best choices for your family).

You coped with sleepless nights and exhausting days; but you did it!

You mastered the art of feeding a half asleep baby while eating yourself.

You survived the first six weeks, so the postpartum recovery stage is over right? …not so fast…

The fourth trimester is a theory that Dr. Karp explains how human babies are born ‘developmentally early’, fully dependent on their mothers for food, warmth, security, survival, and physically moving; whereas other mammals are born with the ability to walk and run the same day they are born. (Dr. Karp’s philosophy on the fourth trimester is a great read. Check out more here https://www.coliccalm.com/baby_infant_newborn_articles/4th-trimester-theory.htm).

The fourth trimester lasts three months (assuming the baby is born at full term gestation) and can be a wonderful time for mom and baby to bond through breastfeeding for the purpose of nutrition as well as comfort, skin-to-skin cuddles for warmth and the reminder of ‘home’ for baby, and a magical time to learn with your baby how to soothe and read ques.

But this can also be a time of confusion for a mom who is wanting to re-emerge into previous physical fitness while balancing the needs of a new baby. While it is wonderful for moms to exercise for many reasons, it can be difficult for moms to know what their bodies ‘should’ be doing in the early postpartum months.

While there are many companies profiting off of postpartum women, reinforcing the fantasy that a woman’s body can and should return to a perfect-pre-baby-state…this can be damaging for multiple reasons. Our culture has glamorized Hollywood-moms who are photographed with their newborns and flat tummies, which creates an unrealistic expectation of the postpartum body.

I am not suggesting that postpartum women should not exercise; rather, I am heeding advice before you begin. Enjoy your baby. Get to know your new body. Do not expect your body to return to its pre-baby body.

Michigan University found “some women sustain injuries during child-birth comparable to those sustained during an intense athletic event. Fractures, muscle tears and strains that are undetectable without an MRI scan, which is why your pelvic floor and body could take a lot longer to heal than six weeks. And why you might need to modify your fitness drive” (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/karen-laing/post-baby-body_b_8739254.html). Take the time to heal and consult your doctor to ensure any stitches or tearing have healed. Just as athletes are encouraged to rest and go slow, a mom should too! Your body has gone through a lot; do not rush.

While you may be eager to lose your ‘mom belly’ understand that diastasis-recti (split abs) is very real and your doctor and physiotherapist can give you wonderful care to heal this. Even if you did not experience diastasis-recti know that it can take two years for your uterus to completely shrink back into place and be supported by abdominal muscles (https://mamaandbabylove.com/post-partum-is-3-years-not-6-weeks/).

So what can you do!?
**before engaging in any exercise routine, speak with your care provider**
There are many things you can do to regain strength and workout-endorphins in your postpartum transitions.

Go for a walk—try out a stretchy wrap so you can be close to baby, which will help his/her fourth trimester transition, and will allow you to respond to baby’s cues.

Squats—try without any weights, your body has been through a lot. Once you have gained strength try out some fun baby bonding time holding baby while squatting. https://www.parenting.com/gallery/exercises-to-do-with-your-baby?page=6

Hand weights—eager to lift weights again? Start from basics and lift some hand weights.
Your changed body is beautiful! Get to know your new body and fall in love with it.

Check out the Fourth Trimester Bodies Project for some inspiration! http://www.4thtrimesterbodiesproject.com/