By Jocelyn Wells  - Postpartum Doula     

A few weeks ago I came across this amazing    TED Talk    by Dr. Alexandra Sacks on a new way of thinking about the transition to motherhood. She calls it Matrescence. 

This six minute talk put words to something I (and likely millions of other women) have been thinking and feeling for years!

Dr. Sacks explains that as a society we understand and allow for the awkwardness and developmental arc of adolescence. We recognize that it is a period fraught with transition and growth. We understand that it makes you think and do and feel weird things. Adolescence is a time where changing bodies and changing hormones change the way we fit into the world. Hello – does this not also sound like the experience of becoming mothers?

Dr. Sacks agrees. But, she says, we do not allow for that same transition time for pregnant and postpartum women. We’re expected to know it all (and love it all) right out of the gate.

I remember so intimately that feeling of going from an independent and autonomous person to an exhausted, aching, and frustrated thing called ‘mom’.

Overnight.

All of a sudden I had this tiny human who’s life was literally in my hands. They were 100% reliant on me. That was daunting to me.

But don’t you love it? They would say.

Yes, of course! I would say out loud. But not all the time. I would say in my head. I didn’t think I was allowed to not love it all the time – I had tons of friends with babies and no one else seemed to ‘not love it all the time’.

Motherhood changed the way I relate to people and it also changed the way people relate to me – during maternity leave when I wasn’t working outside my home I often had this worry that I had nothing to contribute to conversations. I didn’t have the typical work gripes that you share with your friends and people looked at me strangely when I complained about my baby the way you would complain about your boss. But hey, sometimes my baby was overworking and over stressing me!

It’s the push and the pull of motherhood, as Sacks describes. The pull is that oxytocin induced feeling that the baby and their needs is the center of your universe. The push is your brain reminding you of all the other things in your life and the other needs that   you  have.

I remember distinctly grieving the parts of myself I thought I had lost. Oh how I miss a lazy long mimosa filled brunch (for the record I still miss this). Remember when I used my brain for solving complex workplace issues, instead of just for figuring out how many sleepers I need to buy?

I also remember thinking that I must the only one who felt this way and I’m probably a bad mother for even thinking this way.

**Newsflash**

I wasn’t. And I’m not.

This is common. It’s normal. Most parents struggle with the push and pull of parenthood.

So why aren’t we talking about it?

Sacks argues we need to normalize these experiences of motherhood – negotiating different identities of who we were vs. who we are becoming. We need to talk about this with other moms. I want to hear about the days when you don’t love it. I want to hear about your ambivalence to this motherhood identity.

Tell me about your matrescence.

Author: Brielle  Ross ~  Postpartum Doula

You did it! You grew a human (or two) in your body for 9 months. You adjusted and readjusted on the couch to find a comfortable position. You ate right and indulged in cravings within moderation. You bounced and swivelled on your yoga ball. You counted kicks and contractions. You were a warrior and brought your baby into the world with love and power and maternal instinct. YOU DID IT!

You fumbled and tried and retried breastfeeding; and you were able to feed your baby (breast or bottle, you made the best choices for your family).

You coped with sleepless nights and exhausting days; but you did it!

You mastered the art of feeding a half asleep baby while eating yourself.

You survived the first six weeks, so the postpartum recovery stage is over right? …not so fast…

The fourth trimester is a theory that Dr. Karp explains how human babies are born ‘developmentally early’, fully dependent on their mothers for food, warmth, security, survival, and physically moving; whereas other mammals are born with the ability to walk and run the same day they are born. (Dr. Karp’s philosophy on the fourth trimester is a great read. Check out more here https://www.coliccalm.com/baby_infant_newborn_articles/4th-trimester-theory.htm).

The fourth trimester lasts three months (assuming the baby is born at full term gestation) and can be a wonderful time for mom and baby to bond through breastfeeding for the purpose of nutrition as well as comfort, skin-to-skin cuddles for warmth and the reminder of ‘home’ for baby, and a magical time to learn with your baby how to soothe and read ques.

But this can also be a time of confusion for a mom who is wanting to re-emerge into previous physical fitness while balancing the needs of a new baby. While it is wonderful for moms to exercise for many reasons, it can be difficult for moms to know what their bodies ‘should’ be doing in the early postpartum months.

While there are many companies profiting off of postpartum women, reinforcing the fantasy that a woman’s body can and should return to a perfect-pre-baby-state…this can be damaging for multiple reasons. Our culture has glamorized Hollywood-moms who are photographed with their newborns and flat tummies, which creates an unrealistic expectation of the postpartum body.

I am not suggesting that postpartum women should not exercise; rather, I am heeding advice before you begin. Enjoy your baby. Get to know your new body. Do not expect your body to return to its pre-baby body.

Michigan University found “some women sustain injuries during child-birth comparable to those sustained during an intense athletic event. Fractures, muscle tears and strains that are undetectable without an MRI scan, which is why your pelvic floor and body could take a lot longer to heal than six weeks. And why you might need to modify your fitness drive” (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/karen-laing/post-baby-body_b_8739254.html). Take the time to heal and consult your doctor to ensure any stitches or tearing have healed. Just as athletes are encouraged to rest and go slow, a mom should too! Your body has gone through a lot; do not rush.

While you may be eager to lose your ‘mom belly’ understand that diastasis-recti (split abs) is very real and your doctor and physiotherapist can give you wonderful care to heal this. Even if you did not experience diastasis-recti know that it can take two years for your uterus to completely shrink back into place and be supported by abdominal muscles (https://mamaandbabylove.com/post-partum-is-3-years-not-6-weeks/).

So what can you do!?
**before engaging in any exercise routine, speak with your care provider**
There are many things you can do to regain strength and workout-endorphins in your postpartum transitions.

Go for a walk—try out a stretchy wrap so you can be close to baby, which will help his/her fourth trimester transition, and will allow you to respond to baby’s cues.

Squats—try without any weights, your body has been through a lot. Once you have gained strength try out some fun baby bonding time holding baby while squatting. https://www.parenting.com/gallery/exercises-to-do-with-your-baby?page=6

Hand weights—eager to lift weights again? Start from basics and lift some hand weights.
Your changed body is beautiful! Get to know your new body and fall in love with it.

Check out the Fourth Trimester Bodies Project for some inspiration! http://www.4thtrimesterbodiesproject.com/

Written Article   Source:  Every Day Family 
Written By  Julia Petty
  
Recently, a friend of mine on Facebook trained for and completed a marathon. One the day of the big event she posted a few pictures of her crossing the finish line and wrote a long post about how hard she’d trained and worked, the obstacles she’d overcome, and the pride she felt at accomplishing something so big. Completing a marathon is a big deal, and in her post she detailed the hours each day she’d spent training, the changes she’d made to her life, and the obstacles she’s overcome to reach her goal. Her post was met with likes and loves and all sorts of positive and encouraging comments and I was happy to see all the virtual support she received for reaching her big goal.
A few weeks ago I crossed a finish line of my own. My accomplishment is something I worked really hard for. It took hours out of every day and caused me to change every major aspect of my life. I overcame huge obstacles and, when I reached my goal I was filled with a huge sense of pride and accomplishment. Unlike my friend, though, the one who ran a marathon, I won’t post about my accomplishment. Not because I’m not excited or proud but because my accomplishment is that I breastfeed my baby, without the aid of a drop of formula from birth through his fifteenth month, and if I post about it I know I’ll be accused of mom-shaming or formula shaming.

​Right now, it’s tough to be a proud breastfeeding mother. Breastfeeding is a huge undertaking and moms who do it should be proud of the work and love they put into. Because some moms don’t breastfeed though, we expect nursing moms to keep quiet about their accomplishments. Whether it’s offering support to other nursing moms, sharing pride in accomplishments, or passing on research and information, it seems that sharing anything but a “fed is best” mantra incites immediate claims of mommy shaming.

Check out any public post on breastfeeding, even posts detailing new research about its benefits and you’re likely to see comments like:
“Not everyone can breastfeed, posts like this just make people who can’t feel bad about themselves.”
 “I tried breastfeeding but it didn’t work out for me – seeing stuff like this makes me feel so bad – I wish people would stop posting it.”
“I didn’t produce enough milk for my baby, not everyone can you know.”
“There’s really no difference between breastfeeding and formula feeding.”
These comments might seem okay when they’re targeted at breastfeeding moms but how ridiculous do they sound when we rephrase them to be about marathon running:
“Not everyone can run a marathon you know, posts like this just make people who can’t run that far feel bad.”
 “I tried to do a marathon but it didn’t work out for me – Seeing stuff like this makes me feel so bad- I wish people would stop posting about it”
“My legs aren’t able to run for so long.”
“There’s really no difference between running and hanging out at home anyway”

When I saw my friends post about her marathon I was able to recognize it for what it was, her sharing her joy in a big moment. I didn’t take it as a personal attack on my fitness level (which is woefully low) or a snub to the fact that I can’t seem to get my butt in gear to train for a 5k. Her post, in short, was not about me. She wasn’t shaming me for my non-running just as any post I make about breastfeeding is not designed to shame moms who’ve chosen another path.

I hope that as time goes on we can all learn to step back, recognize when something isn’t about us, and simply be proud of our fellow moms and people.

Source:   Postpartum Progress  
By  Jen Gaskell

Dear mama,
I wanted to word vomit all over our Facebook group when I saw how quickly you backpedaled about not enjoying pregnancy.  I wanted so badly to share my story, but I knew it was not the time or place.  I am writing this open letter to you and all other mamas who do not like pregnancy.  It is okay to not be okay during pregnancy.  I struggled physically and emotionally with my second pregnancy.  In hindsight I clearly had undiagnosed antenatal depression and anxiety, a revelation that my therapist and I discussed.  I had so many warning signs.

I worried about everything constantly.  I was irritable, and it wasn’t just the hormones.  My irritability was a precursor to my postpartum rage.  I lost weight initially, partly due to the restrictive meal plan for my gestational diabetes.  I could not sit still at all which was also a precursor to my severe postpartum anxiety.  I was making lists of all the tasks that had to be done and completed by the time the baby was born.  List-making made me feel like I was in control.

Society does pregnant women a disservice by showing us these photos of airbrushed women who blissfully smile down at their baby bumps.  I rarely smiled or laughed when I was pregnant.  Besides the gestational diabetes, I suffered from sciatica and an umbilical hernia.  I had to wear a postpartum support girdle which alleviated some of the strain on my back.  I have had friends valiantly struggle with sciatica, symphysis pubic dysfunction, pre-eclampsia, irritable uterus and days and weeks of contractions.  Until we change the conversation about how demanding physically, mentally and emotionally pregnancy can be, we will continue to feel like we have to put on the mask.  I very much wanted and planned for my darling baby girl, but I would tell anyone and everyone who would listen that this was my last pregnancy.

People used to laugh like I was a hormonal pregnant woman who should be pitied.  I felt like people thought I was exaggerating my level of stress and discomfort with my last pregnancy.  Those feelings made my rage and irritability even greater.  Do not condescend to pregnant women.  We are adult women who are growing another human(s).  We deserve care that recognizes our entire selves, not just as an incubator for the baby that we are carrying.  My feelings, my emotions, and my health were just as vital and important as that of my unborn child.  I struggled with undiagnosed antenatal depression and anxiety even though I had a supportive medical team that included my ob/gyn, my certified diabetes educator, and my endocrinologist.

Mama, I wish I could learn more about your story.  I have so many questions for you.  Did you struggle too?  Would you like to know more about my story?  Can we get together for coffee and really talk about how difficult pregnancy can be?  Can we stop trying to pretend that it is all sunshine and rainbows?  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to admit that you hate pregnancy and that you are miserable.  This does not mean that you do not love your child.  You are brave for reaching out and asking for help.  If you are struggling, please know that you are NOT alone.  Many mamas, including myself, have been in your shoes.  Talk to your therapist, to your partner, and to your doctor.  Check out the resources available here along with testimonies from other Warrior Moms who have struggled with antenatal depression and made it through to the other side.  It does get better, I promise you.
Love,
Jen Gaskell

http://www.postpartumprogress.com

From baby's conception to his or her world entrance, each little second is spent developing into what will be a big and unique personality. Besides the more obvious movements Moms feel, here are 10 things these precious ones do before even being born:

1 - Feel Pain: While debates continue, many authorities seem to confirm that babies feel pain as early as 8 weeks.

2 - Dream: Baby's dreaming is evidenced by rapid eye movement. 

3 - Think: Baby's brain waves have been recorded as early as 6 weeks. 

4 - Yawn: After a long night, a good yawn might be in order. 

5 - Light sensitivity: Researchers have determined that a fetus can be sensitive to light. By shining a light on a mother's belly, the baby's eyes appear to blink when the light is shone on their face. 

6 - Startle: Babies gets scared by any sudden sounds like Mom sneezing.

7 - Laugh by Bouncing: Babies joyfully bounce in response to Mom laughing. 

8 - Smell: Babies jump at bad smells like cigarettes, or enjoys good ones like Mom's food. 

9 - Breathe: Even though a baby gets oxygen through the umbilical cord, the lung muscles develop as they imitate Mom's breathing. 

​10 - Stay Up at Night: It is believed many babies in womb are nocturnal. After birth, they go from being a night owl to learning day and night.

Source:    pregnancyvideos.net
​Photographer:   unknown

 Babywearing - Carry your Baby a Lot  
Source:    The Baby Book  William Sears, M.D. Martha Sears, R.N.

Many children ago, my wife, Martha, and I noticed that the more we carried our babies, the less they cried. So when child number 6, Mathew, was born, Martha made a sling from an old bed sheet to carry him around. She loved "wearing" Mathew. The sling was like a piece of clothing  -- she put it on in the morning and took it off in the evening. And with that, the term "babywearing" was born in the Sears household. 
​
I also wore Mathew a lot during the first year of his life. We were buddies from birth. He grew up associating the sling with a fun and exciting place to be. When he was 9 months old, I'd say "Go," and Mathew would crawl to where the sling was hanging, eager to set off on an adventure with Daddy. Mathew may not remember these babywearing moments, but I'll never forget them.

During my 30 years as a pediatrician, our experience has been borne out by parents in our practice who often say, "As long as I carry my baby, she's happy." And after years of watching a whole parade of babywearers, we dubbed these thriving infants "sling babies."

Babywearing is customary in many cultures. Balinese babies are worn in a sling all day for the first six months of life, put down only to sleep. And most women in African countries carry their babies as well. Once when I was at an international parenting conference wearing Stephen, our seventh child, in a sling, I stood next to two women from Zambia who were also carrying their babies in slings. When I asked why parents in their culture wear their babies most of the time, one of the women replied, "It makes life easier for the mother." The other volunteered, "It's good for the baby." I think the parental art of babywearing can be summed up in those two simple, yet profound, benefits: It does good things for babies, and it makes life easier for mothers.

Babywearing extends the period of special closeness between a mother and her child. Mother's rhythmic walk, which the baby has been feeling for nine months, is a calming reminder of the womb. And the baby can hear the soothing sound of her mother's heartbeat when she places her ear against her mother's chest.
​
You needn't worry that carrying your baby will make her "spoiled" or "dependent." The close proximity to a caregiver enhances trust which translates into independence. A study by doctors Bell and Ainsworth at Johns Hopkins University in the early seventies found that infants who are securely attached during the early months cling less and separate more easily from their mother later on.

I've always liked slings because they are so simple yet so versatile. I've even worked with NoJo, a company in California, to develop a sling. But the benefits of babywearing will result from any front carrier: The important goal is to keep your baby close to you and involved in your world.
​
From decades of observing parent-infant pairs, here is what I've learned.

Benefits for Your Baby

Carried babies cry less.     Parents of fussy babies who try babywearing relate that their babies seem to forget to fuss. In 1986, a team of pediatricians in Montreal reported on a study of 99 mother-infant pairs, half of whom were given carriers and asked to carry their infants for at least three extra hours a day. These parents were encouraged to carry their babies as much as possible, not just in response to crying or fussing, as is common in Western society. In the control, or non carried, group, parents were not given any specific instructions. After six weeks, the infants who were carried more cried and fussed 43 percent less than the non-carried group.

This has been my experience as well. I believe that being close encourages being calm. Wearing a baby lets a mom keep a close eye on her child. She'll also be more likely to spot her infant's first signs of fussing and have a better chance of preempting an all-out fit. This also helps Baby understand non crying modes of communication: She learns that these initial signals receive an immediate nurturing response.

Carried babies may learn more.       If infants spend less time crying and fussing, what do they do with the free time? I think they spend it learning! I've found that carried babies do not sleep a lot more but actually show an increased awake time called "quiet alertness"  -- the behavioral state in which an infant is most content and best able to interact with the environment. The child is stimulated by participating so intimately in what her mother or father is doing, but she's not overwhelmed by what she sees and hears because she's comfortable in her parent's arms.

Concerns that carrying babies too much will delay crawling are unfounded. In fact, some infant developmental specialists believe that it actually helps infants develop because they divert the energy they would otherwise spend fussing into learning and growing.

Carried babies get "humanized" earlier.      These babies get to know their parents, and people in general, quickly and well. Baby is exposed to the facial expressions, body language, voice inflections, breathing patterns, and emotions of her babywearer. Also, because Baby is up at voice and eye level, she is more involved in conversations and learns a valuable speech lesson  -- the ability to listen. Carried infants sometimes seem to click in to adult conversations, as if they were part of them.

Normal ambient sounds, such as the noise of a vacuum cleaner or a radio, can sometimes surprise or scare a child. When a baby is worn, a sound that might otherwise be frightening has a learning value because the mother can comfort the infant when she is exposed to unfamiliar sounds and experiences.

Babywearing Benefits for You

Babywearing is convenient.        Anyone who has put on a carrier will tell you that this is true. For a baby, home is where the mother is. If you're a few weeks postpartum and you're starting to go stir crazy or feeling home-bound, there's nothing in the mother-infant contract that says you have to stay home and become a recluse after you have a baby. Babywearing allows you to have your baby and your life too.

Babywearing helps in sibling care.      Having a baby in the sling provides extra mobility for the mother  -- especially valuable when there is an older child in the picture. As one mother said, "Carrying our new baby in the sling gives me an extra pair of hands to play with and enjoy our toddler. It's done wonders to lessen sibling rivalry."

Babywearing makes breastfeeding easier.     Probably one of the most wonderful aspects of a sling or carrier is that it allows breastfeeding on the move. Busy mothers can nurture their babies with the best nutrition, yet still continue their active lifestyles. If you need to feed in public, discreet breastfeeding  is very easy while wearing a baby. It also makes it easier to breastfeed at a restaurant or other places where babies aren't always considered socially acceptable. Martha used to breastfeed while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Our most memorable public breastfeeding experience was the morning that Martha wore Stephen on The Donahue Show. Stephen nestled contently and breastfed in the sling for 45 minutes as we discussed the benefits of attachment parenting on national television. We are sure that what the audience saw made more of an impression than what we actually said.

Babywearing can help you connect with your partner.     Shortly after Stephen's birth, I was going through the usual "when will I get my wife back?" feelings that most postpartum dads have  -- and I realized that I really needed some alone time with Martha. Having our weekly "dates" has always helped us thrive with a large family. So we put the younger children to bed, and the two of us sat down to a quiet dinner. Well, three of us, actually. Stephen slept so quietly in the sling you'd never have known that he was there.

Babywearing can help in childcare.    One way for a working mother to be sure her baby receives a lot of interaction in her absence is to encourage her caregiver to wear her. One of my patients had a high-need baby who was content as long as she was in the sling, but the mother had to return to work when her baby was 6 weeks old. I wrote the following prescription to give to her daycare provider: "To help this baby thrive and to keep her from fussing, wear her in a sling at least two hours a day."

Martha and I also found that the sling helped with the transition to substitute care. If we were in a hurry, we would greet the babysitter at the door, transfer Mathew to her while in the sling  -- like the transfer of a baton in a relay race  -- and she took over the wearing. Mathew forgot to fuss, and we felt better knowing his routine was not disrupted. 

Carriers can work at work.      Babywearing can fit in beautifully with the complex lifestyles of a working mother. Some occupations, such as selling real estate or being a clerk, lend themselves well to babywearing on the job. In our pediatric office we encourage our front office staff to wear their babies at work for the first six months  -- and it's been a huge success.

Your employer may be reluctant to allow you to wear your baby to work, but try asking for a two-week trial with the agreement that if it's a problem then you will find an alternative arrangement. I've found that babywearing mothers are more productive: Since they so appreciate the opportunity to keep their babies with them all day, they make an extra effort to do their job well.
​
Carriers aren't only for infants.      Even after our babies had outgrown their slings, we still kept one handy for those times when some misbehavior's would signal that, instead of "time out," our toddler needed "time in." When one of our toddlers seemed to disintegrate from a toy squabble, for example, we would put him in the sling and walk around with him for a few minutes. Somehow this bit of reconnecting, knowing that the sling was still available, seemed to be all the destressing the child needed to calm down. The sling was like a great big hug for our children   -- and that was just as nice for Martha and me too.

By Joanne Sea  - Toronto Birth & Postpartum Doula  -  ​http://www.joannesea.com/

​Many people who live in desert climates know these fruits well. Date palm fruit originates from the Middle East and is still grown in large amounts there and in Northern Africa. 

I'm sure that women in these places have known for a long time about the benefits of dates for pregnancy. The knowledge comes from there first. There's also been a small study from Jordan that found amazing results for women eating 6 dates per day in the last month of pregnancy. 

Eating date fruit, beginning at 36 weeks gestation, can

• help you go into spontaneous labour (instead of requiring induction)
• reduce the use of drugs to speed up your labour
• reduce the length of the first stage of labour (all the time before you begin pushing)

Dates are a great source of fiber, magnesium, potassium, and small amounts of iron and calcium. There are tons of different varieties of dates. My favourite is definitely medjool dates, which can be found at most grocery stores in my area. 

 SO, HERE'S 5 WAYS TO EAT DATES!

With the Butterfly Run last weekend and Mother's Day this weekend I feel the need to release my #1in4 story of my pregnancy loss. 

We conceived this tiny miracle in May of 2015, We were so excited to become parents! at just 5 weeks we decided to tell our families this exciting news, as it was to hard for me to keep in! Words can not explain the excitement our families had when we announced that we were pregnant. We had not planned to tell others until our first ultrasound but the word got out due to some excitement of family members. 

We were overjoyed to have the first blood tests done and everything came back great! We learned that we were potentially due on March 2nd 2016. At our 8 week ultrasound I was so overcome with butterflies in my belly to see my baby for the first time, to hear a heart beat and take home that first ultrasound picture. 
As we arrived for the appointment and took me in they asked that my husband stay in the waiting room and they would come get him shortly, I didn't like this but I dealt with it. As she did the ultrasound she seemed to struggle finding baby by the regular way so she asked to do a vaginal one, I agreed. I asked if Cory could come in now because I really wanted him to be with me, she proceeded to tell me he couldn't come in and there was nothing to see any way as I was to early on. I WAS SO UPSET. The feelings that rushed over me were horrible, I started to tear up but held it back. When she was all done she said baby was to small to get a heart beat yet and I was measuring only at 6-7 weeks. At this point I asked if I could take home a picture with me, she was very mean in telling me "there isn't anything to see yet", again made me feel horrible but I insisted anyway!

Thank goodness I did as that would be the first and last time I would ever get to see my baby. 

When I came out and was finished, my husband was very surprised and irritated, as was I. As soon as we left I started crying and apologizing to him, I felt so bad that he didn't get to come in and witness the ultrasound and I felt like that experience was taken away from him and I. 

A few WONDERFUL weeks pass by as I am loving being pregnant and making plans. But even with this bliss of pregnancy I seemed to have I also had this fighting doubt that something wasn't right. Some might say a " mothers intuition". 

At 9.5 weeks I had a major acid reflux attack at work on July 31st 2015, something I have dealt with many times, so I came home from work like it was any other attack and tried to control it. This one was very uncontrollable so off to the hospital we went. They gave me something safe for pregnancy to control it and wanted to send me for some ultrasounds like they always did to check a few of my organs, this is due to the kind of pain i get during these attacks. But this was a Friday night and they didn't have ultrasounds techs at Picton on weekend overnights so I have to go to BGH the next day. 

UGH I had to get an ultrasound on my Birthday. I couldn't eat or drink anything and we were going to my parents for a wonderful breakfast that morning. Little did i know this would be the least of my problems that day. 

August 1st 2015! My Birthday! Started like a great birthday but I couldn't eat, bummer. I love my birthday so that wasn't going to dampen my mood. Off to my parents we went and it was a lovely visit. Then we headed over to my ultrasound appointment at BGH. They did ultrasound and they tech was wonderful, asking me questions and being "cheery" while trying to hide the sad and fact that she couldn't find a heart beat in there while checking baby. But I didn't know any different and along we went to get the results back at Picton hospital about an hour later. 

We got back to Picton and waited forever, Cory went outside to get some fresh air and then of course I got called in. As I waited in the room I told him to just hang out and I would come out after I got the results. 

Little did we know that at that moment everything was about to change. 

The resident Dr. came in and sat down in front of me, she proceeded to tell me that all my organ scans came back fine and then there was a BUT.......... My heart sank and my throat closed, in my head all I could think was "there is only one thing this but is going to be about". She then, with a tear in her eye, told me that they couldn't find the baby, there was no heart beat, no baby. I was in a bubble, another universe, I couldn't even process it but then the tears just came, like a river and I was destroyed. She asked if I came with anyone and I told her Cory was just outside, so she went out and got him. At this point I tried to pull myself together for him, but as soon as he walked through the door and sat beside me I ugly-cried "we lost the baby" and then just broke down into a million pieces in his arms. 

We left and went home. I was in stock and it just didn't feel real. I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt so lost. One moment I was ready to be a mom and bring this tiny human into the world and the next it was all gone. My baby was gone. I still felt pregnant, I still felt like my baby way there. The next few days were very hard, I had to tell our family that we lost the baby and then also what felt like the entire world because someone told a friend and then everyone knew. This was a harsh reminder almost everyday for 3 weeks. And I then lost my job that week as well because I was going to have to take more time off to have a DNC because my body just wouldn't let go, I wouldn't let go of my baby. SCREW THEM!! Thats what I say about that, they were awful about my loss and it was rough losing my baby and my income in the same week. 

August 12th 2015, I had a DNC. They gave me a tablet to take the night before and my goodness they don't prepare you for what will happen! I went through 6 hours of labour, releasing my baby just to find out the next day that I did not release everything so I still needed a DNC. I felt horrified, sad and like something was wrong with me. My husband during this entire process was AMAZING SUPPORT. He was there with me through everything, he gave me time, space and closeness when I needed it. He made sure to remind me everyday that it was not my fault and we would be ok. He really helped me pull through, even though some days I didn't think that was possible. 

After our loss was complete, it was a long 12 days, we were able to have some peace. But the hurt and the pain was still there. I found the month of August to be difficult for me, I took the month off work and just dealt in my own way, with the support of others. For me talking about my baby was helpful. Talking about my pregnancy and plans and remembering my baby was my way of coping. This helped me to heal. 

September 24th 2015, We were so very fortunate to conceive our first cycle after our loss. That day we made another tiny miracle, a little boy!  And June 6th 2016, Mason James was born. 
My pregnancy for the first 3 months was very scary for me, I felt that everything was ok, but that didn't stop me from being terrified to lose my baby again. And on March 2nd I felt the hurt and on my Birthday I felt the hurt. Those two days for me don't hurt any more, they are days that I honour my baby and do something special. A day that I remember a little bit more. 

​I did not realize this was so common until it happened to me, I am the 1 in 4 that has suffered pregnancy loss. Don't live in silence, YOUR NOT ALONE, your 1 in 4. Talk about your baby, honour your baby, or don't, 1 week, 9 weeks, 12 weeks that was still YOUR baby, a living human that you were raising and you should not feel shamed for honouring or not honouring your baby in what ever way makes you able to cope and heal. 

I have a small butterfly from the Butterfly Run 2016 that I have pinned in Masons room to honour his sibling, my first baby. I donate, Raise money and walk in the Butterfly Run and will in every year to come. And I will have a small butterfly tattooed above my family tattoo for represent my baby. 
​
This is how I remember and honour my angel baby, how do you or don't you remember your baby(s)? ​

"It was so beautiful," says Gabriel, "I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful birth experience."

Aided by her doula, LeeAnne Hamilton, Gabriel was able to remain serene and focused during her labour.

"(LeeAnne's) calm and gentle voice was reassuring that everything that was happening or about to happen was normal ... I loved how she was experienced and extremely knowledgeable. It made me feel confident in my decision to hire her," said Gabriel.

With the help of massage, soft lighting, gentle touch and rhythmic breathing, many birthing women find their calm through the guidance of a doula.

According to clinical trials conducted in 1999 by Kathryn D. Scott, Gale Berkowitz, and Marshall Klaus published in The California American Journal of Obstetrics, doula-assisted births have seen a 51 per cent decrease in caesarean rates, a 36 per cent drop in pain medication requests, and labour times shortened by an hour and 38 minutes. .

Many often confuse the roles of doulas and midwives, thinking that their professional duties are interchangeable.
​While both offer compassionate caregiving and continuity of care, "the foremost difference between a doula and a midwife is definitely the medical care that is provided," says Hamilton birth doula Amanda Cooke. "Doulas are support for physical, emotional, and informational support — everything but the actual medical aspect of it."

Doulas also provide a wide range of services beyond the labour room, including prenatal birth classes, lactation consults, postpartum care, and infant loss and stillbirth support.

Melanie Farrell is a labour doula and a certified lactation educator with Built to Birth, who teaches the importance of the first hour, that key time for creating the crucial postpartum bond between mother and child.

"Weights can wait, measurements can wait, Facebook posts can wait. Just spend time connecting," says Farrell. "Your baby doesn't even know they're not connected to you anymore, so just let them be there and let them connect."

This is a mantra echoed by Sue Balaz. As a birth educator and labour doula, Balaz says there's nothing better than "just seeing my moms having the birth that they want, seeing them with that baby, skin-to-skin and with that glow on their face." It's these moments that drew Balaz to birth work and the foundation of her Burlington company, Loves Memory, a birth doula service that provides prenatal and labour support.

Balaz is also one of the founders of the Infant and Pregnancy Loss Training and Certification Program with the Home Hospice Association, the first of its kind in Canada.
The program also includes teachings from professionals who specialize in grief counselling and end-of-life care. The goal is to train professional birth workers to offer guidance and support to grieving families.

"We had a student midwife at our last training, and she said she had attended a stillbirth, and told us that (in midwifery training) 'they don't tell you what to do, they don't teach you how to speak. They teach you the medical side, but they don't teach you how to speak or care for these families,'" recalls Balaz.

Balaz is also a Birth Doula Training Instructor in the GTA with Doula Training Canada, one of the many avenues available for certification.

In addition to DTC, the Childbirth and Postpartum Association (CAPPA) and Doulas of North America (DONA)offer full certification for various forms of doula practices, including birth, postpartum and childbirth education.

Fanshawe College in London recently began offering a one-year Ontario College Certificate in Doula Studies.

"I think it's only a matter of time before it's completely regulated like midwifery classes are. The birthing world is really changing," says Cooke. "People are starting to see (birthing) as more of a natural and positive thing compared to medical."

Tracking down the right doula may seem like a daunting task, but there are some resources available to help connect expectant families with birthing professionals.

Doulamatch.net is a tool to find local doulas. Listing the credentials and specialties of each practising doula in the area, it helps expectant mothers find the right person to support them with their birth.

LeeAnne Hamilton was the first doula that Gabriel met with when she began her search for a labour support person.
"I had planned on interviewing a few (doulas), but when (LeeAnne) came over we just clicked. It felt like we had been friends for a long time.

"At my birth, LeeAnne was helpful in making me feel safe and comfortable … She had a gentle touch and I was so grateful to have her there," recalls Gabriel.

"I think that's the role of the doula," says Farrell, "they become your village. And it's not a big enough village, but it's a fantastic start."

Kate Bondy is currently certifying as a Labour and Birth Doula with Doula Training Canada

Special to The Hamilton Spectator
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Ontario Birth Stats

In a study published in April 2015, BORN (Better Outcomes Registry & Network) Ontario concluded that 19,375 births in Ontario were assisted by midwives between 2013-2014.
This accounts for 13.5 per cent of the total births in Ontario that year, which, according to StatsCan was 144,051.

Local Doula Pricing and Services

Pricing:  $350 to $1,000, depending on services rendered
Many doulas will offer a payment plan, or a sliding scale to accommodate a family's budget.
 
Packages: A basic package generally includes one prenatal and one postpartum visit, and the support during labour.

More exclusive packages can include 2 to 4 prenatal and postpartum visits, labour support, childbirth education classes, lactation consultations and access to the doulas resources and supplies.

Additional Services:

Placenta encapsulation
Belly binding
Birth and family photography

Types of Doulas

Labour and Birth Doula — Labour Assistant
Postpartum Doula — After Birth Doula
Antepartum Doula — High-Risk Pregnancy Doula
Abortion Doula — Guidance and care during cases of abortion
Bereavement Doula — Support in instances of miscarriage or stillbirth
Adoption Doula — Assistance for mothers and families on both sides of the adoption spectrum.
— doulatraining.net