My Butterfly

Here is a guest post written by one of my colleagues about pregnancy loss. (sharing with her permission).  

Ashley  Tina
http://www.mydoulaashley.ca/blog/my-butterfly

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With the Butterfly Run last weekend and Mother's Day this weekend I feel the need to release my #1in4 story of my pregnancy loss. 

We conceived this tiny miracle in May of 2015, We were so excited to become parents! at just 5 weeks we decided to tell our families this exciting news, as it was to hard for me to keep in! Words can not explain the excitement our families had when we announced that we were pregnant. We had not planned to tell others until our first ultrasound but the word got out due to some excitement of family members. 

We were overjoyed to have the first blood tests done and everything came back great! We learned that we were potentially due on March 2nd 2016. At our 8 week ultrasound I was so overcome with butterflies in my belly to see my baby for the first time, to hear a heart beat and take home that first ultrasound picture. 
As we arrived for the appointment and took me in they asked that my husband stay in the waiting room and they would come get him shortly, I didn't like this but I dealt with it. As she did the ultrasound she seemed to struggle finding baby by the regular way so she asked to do a vaginal one, I agreed. I asked if Cory could come in now because I really wanted him to be with me, she proceeded to tell me he couldn't come in and there was nothing to see any way as I was to early on. I WAS SO UPSET. The feelings that rushed over me were horrible, I started to tear up but held it back. When she was all done she said baby was to small to get a heart beat yet and I was measuring only at 6-7 weeks. At this point I asked if I could take home a picture with me, she was very mean in telling me "there isn't anything to see yet", again made me feel horrible but I insisted anyway!

Thank goodness I did as that would be the first and last time I would ever get to see my baby. 

When I came out and was finished, my husband was very surprised and irritated, as was I. As soon as we left I started crying and apologizing to him, I felt so bad that he didn't get to come in and witness the ultrasound and I felt like that experience was taken away from him and I. 

A few WONDERFUL weeks pass by as I am loving being pregnant and making plans. But even with this bliss of pregnancy I seemed to have I also had this fighting doubt that something wasn't right. Some might say a " mothers intuition". 

At 9.5 weeks I had a major acid reflux attack at work on July 31st 2015, something I have dealt with many times, so I came home from work like it was any other attack and tried to control it. This one was very uncontrollable so off to the hospital we went. They gave me something safe for pregnancy to control it and wanted to send me for some ultrasounds like they always did to check a few of my organs, this is due to the kind of pain i get during these attacks. But this was a Friday night and they didn't have ultrasounds techs at Picton on weekend overnights so I have to go to BGH the next day. 

UGH I had to get an ultrasound on my Birthday. I couldn't eat or drink anything and we were going to my parents for a wonderful breakfast that morning. Little did i know this would be the least of my problems that day. 

August 1st 2015! My Birthday! Started like a great birthday but I couldn't eat, bummer. I love my birthday so that wasn't going to dampen my mood. Off to my parents we went and it was a lovely visit. Then we headed over to my ultrasound appointment at BGH. They did ultrasound and they tech was wonderful, asking me questions and being "cheery" while trying to hide the sad and fact that she couldn't find a heart beat in there while checking baby. But I didn't know any different and along we went to get the results back at Picton hospital about an hour later. 

We got back to Picton and waited forever, Cory went outside to get some fresh air and then of course I got called in. As I waited in the room I told him to just hang out and I would come out after I got the results. 

Little did we know that at that moment everything was about to change. 

The resident Dr. came in and sat down in front of me, she proceeded to tell me that all my organ scans came back fine and then there was a BUT.......... My heart sank and my throat closed, in my head all I could think was "there is only one thing this but is going to be about". She then, with a tear in her eye, told me that they couldn't find the baby, there was no heart beat, no baby. I was in a bubble, another universe, I couldn't even process it but then the tears just came, like a river and I was destroyed. She asked if I came with anyone and I told her Cory was just outside, so she went out and got him. At this point I tried to pull myself together for him, but as soon as he walked through the door and sat beside me I ugly-cried "we lost the baby" and then just broke down into a million pieces in his arms. 

We left and went home. I was in stock and it just didn't feel real. I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt so lost. One moment I was ready to be a mom and bring this tiny human into the world and the next it was all gone. My baby was gone. I still felt pregnant, I still felt like my baby way there. The next few days were very hard, I had to tell our family that we lost the baby and then also what felt like the entire world because someone told a friend and then everyone knew. This was a harsh reminder almost everyday for 3 weeks. And I then lost my job that week as well because I was going to have to take more time off to have a DNC because my body just wouldn't let go, I wouldn't let go of my baby. SCREW THEM!! Thats what I say about that, they were awful about my loss and it was rough losing my baby and my income in the same week. 

August 12th 2015, I had a DNC. They gave me a tablet to take the night before and my goodness they don't prepare you for what will happen! I went through 6 hours of labour, releasing my baby just to find out the next day that I did not release everything so I still needed a DNC. I felt horrified, sad and like something was wrong with me. My husband during this entire process was AMAZING SUPPORT. He was there with me through everything, he gave me time, space and closeness when I needed it. He made sure to remind me everyday that it was not my fault and we would be ok. He really helped me pull through, even though some days I didn't think that was possible. 

After our loss was complete, it was a long 12 days, we were able to have some peace. But the hurt and the pain was still there. I found the month of August to be difficult for me, I took the month off work and just dealt in my own way, with the support of others. For me talking about my baby was helpful. Talking about my pregnancy and plans and remembering my baby was my way of coping. This helped me to heal. 

September 24th 2015, We were so very fortunate to conceive our first cycle after our loss. That day we made another tiny miracle, a little boy!  And June 6th 2016, Mason James was born. 
My pregnancy for the first 3 months was very scary for me, I felt that everything was ok, but that didn't stop me from being terrified to lose my baby again. And on March 2nd I felt the hurt and on my Birthday I felt the hurt. Those two days for me don't hurt any more, they are days that I honour my baby and do something special. A day that I remember a little bit more. 

​I did not realize this was so common until it happened to me, I am the 1 in 4 that has suffered pregnancy loss. Don't live in silence, YOUR NOT ALONE, your 1 in 4. Talk about your baby, honour your baby, or don't, 1 week, 9 weeks, 12 weeks that was still YOUR baby, a living human that you were raising and you should not feel shamed for honouring or not honouring your baby in what ever way makes you able to cope and heal. 

I have a small butterfly from the Butterfly Run 2016 that I have pinned in Masons room to honour his sibling, my first baby. I donate, Raise money and walk in the Butterfly Run and will in every year to come. And I will have a small butterfly tattooed above my family tattoo for represent my baby. 
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This is how I remember and honour my angel baby, how do you or don't you remember your baby(s)? ​